beyond tired

Everyone tells me that breastfeeding gets easier at 4-6 weeks. I am holding out for that. It has been really REALLY really difficult. Some days are just awful and we both cry all day and some days, like today, are manageable. Trying to nurse him as often as he wants combined with pumping is exhausting. Tim lovingly fed him some of my expressed milk last night during the 3am feeding so I could get some uninteruppted sleep. I feel slightly more human today.

I never knew that something this small could be so needy. I never knew that something this small could overtake my heart and fill me with such love and undying devotion.

I need alot of grace. I need God’s strength. I need help with breastfeeding, and it’s been hard to have to seek out resources and people to try to figure it out. I am a pretty self-reliant person and I don’t like asking for help.

I do feel like things are going to get better. I think back to his first week of life, when he was dehydrated and had lost 17% of his birth weight. We’ve made significant progress. He was 9 lbs 6 oz today.

I wish Tim could work from home every day. It’s really hard sometimes to be at home all by myself with Sam, because I don’t feel like I have time to eat or brush my teeth or do much else but hold him.

It’s hard to be patient all the time when he is screaming. I am starting to “read” him better.

We are co-sleeping. He hates his co-sleeper, and in an effort to get us all in a horizontal position for more than an hour he sleeps on either my chest or Tim’s chest. For now. I would like it if he eventually would sleep in his co-sleeper. So far I have enjoyed co-sleeping though.

I am a mom., Sometimes I look at him and it shocks me a little bit that God would choose to give him to us.


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