I don’t know if it’s just hormones, or just general pregnancy-related weariness, but I am feeling really run down and overwhelmed today.
I spent like, 3 hours online tonight trying to shop for nursing bras. Only to discover that Target didn’t carry my size. That’s right. The largest size nursing bra they carry is a 40 DD. I won’t disclose what my actual size is, but it’s bigger than that right now, and will probably be even bigger once my milk comes in.
Babies R Us had the same problem. As did Motherhood. I did finally discover that if I looked in the Plus Size section of Motherhood’s website, they did manage to carry my size. Good to know. Depressing to have to order.
None of my maternity clothes fit me anymore, and I refuse to buy more this close to the end. So I basically live in my pajamas. I despise my new hair cut. Actually, the hair cut is okay. It’s my fat face that the hair cut frames that I dislike.
Tim doesn’t think we’re going to have room in the budget for a gym membership, so I’m not sure I will ever lose the baby weight. Ever.
Basically, right now, I feel fat and frumpy. And I don’t like it. I went to Target today and tried to look at clothes. Real people clothes, not maternity clothes. I don’t even know what size I am going to be post-partum, but I don’t think I am going to like it.
I was telling Tim that I feel like I am occupying someone else’s body. Like, there is this huge disconnect from who I am and what I see in the mirror right now, and it’s somewhat unsettling. I weigh as much as him. He is not a small man.
On top of that, I am just plain tired now. I never sleep any more. Not for very long, and never very well. So I am walking around constantly in a sort of fog. I get winded vacuuming the house. My brain doesn’t work anymore. My back hurts. People stare at me when I go out in public. I have to pee constantly. I am always hungry and yet nothing sounds good. Tim has to put on and tie my shoes for me. I can’t shave my legs anymore. Turning over in bed is a giant ordeal which involves a lot of flopping and flailing. Tim has to sleep on the couch because with me and my 15 pillows, there’s no room. My dad pointed to my cousin’s 9-month old baby at Thanksgiving and joked, “Sam’s that big right now.” Ha. That’s hilarious, Dad. Thanks. I want to get my due date tattooed to my forehead. I want to punch people who say things like, “Oh, I thought you would have been due sooner than that, based on how big you are! Are you sure your dates aren’t off? I think your dates are off.” Yes, I am positive. Thank you for your professional medical opinion. Shut it.
I’m scared, actually. I’m scared that I can’t do this mom thing. I love Sam to death, but I am so terrified of motherhood right now. I don’t feel up to the task, not even a little bit. I feel so inadequate. Can I do this? Will I ever feel like myself ever again?
- It’s probably normal and good, actually, to feel the enormity of the event coming up. My life is never going to be the same again. And it’s normal to feel sort of ambivalent about that. I felt much like this as my wedding approached. Happy, excited, but also a little terrified. Mostly about myself. I see and feel my proclivity for laziness and selfishness, and I know that motherhood is not really a job that one can do well and still be lazy and selfish. And that scares me a bit.
- God is here. Right now. With me.
- Sam is healthy and growing and kicking and wiggling. And when I see him…I’m sure all of this will fade away.
- I have an amazingly supportive and loving husband who does more than his fair share of housework, works hard at his job all day, and still tells me I am pretty. And even though I know that’s a lie, it helps a little.
- The end is in sight. I won’t be pregnant forever, even if I feel like I will be/have been right now.
- God is here. Right now. With me. I was talking with a friend today who’s mom had all 5 of them naturally. She said that she had never felt the presence of God so strongly as when she was giving birth. I am looking forward to meeting God there, even if it will be hard and painful.