Trust

So one of my recurring worries (aggravated by dumb people and their comments) is how big this kid is going to be. I mean, let’s be real here: I have gained a LOT of weight this pregnancy. And I am a little terrified that Sam is going to be HUGE! My belly is huge and I don’t know if he is huge but I can see like definite knees and feet when he wiggles around in there. It’s a little shocking. My belly is more square now than rounded, and the skin is shiny from being stretched so tight. At least the itching has gone away.

I keep reminding myself that God has created me exactly as I am to give birth to the baby that I have grown within me. I CAN do this. It just scares me that he’ll be so big! Barb said that they all feel big coming out, whether they are 6 lbs or 10 lbs. I suppose that is true — and I don’t really have any frame of reference so who knows!

I’m just really tired today. I got up to go pee last night and came back to bed and grunted and groaned and flopped and flailed into position and thought to myself, I cannot deal with this anymore. I can’t do this for even one more day. I need patience and strength right now. Pray for me if you would. I am due in 2 weeks, but it could be another 3 or 4 before he comes, in all reality. That thought makes me want to cry.

But: January 10th is still in my mind for some reason. It’s a full moon that night. We shall see.

My feet and ankles are ridiculously swollen and it kind of hurts. The skin feels so tight on my feet. I can’t wear any of my shoes anymore. I live in house slippers and flip flops. The flip flops are a little cold as it is definitely January in Indiana. But I don’t have much choice right now.

I am trying to be patient but it’s hard right now. I need to learn to let go of control. I can’t control the timing here, I won’t be able to control it in labor, and I won’t be able to control it when Sam is here, at least not for a while. I need to be flexible. I just keep praying for patience and also that labor would start as soon as Sam is done cooking.

Guesses

I found this little meme on one of my message boards and thought I’d post my guesses here, just for fun.

My due date: January 17th

Gender: boy (ok, so we sort of knew this, but ultrasound techs have been wrong in the past! I still think he’s a boy).

Actual date of birth: um. For some reason I am thinking January 10th. Just a tad bit early, but still full-term. I don’t really have a reason why I am picking January 10th. Just a feeling I guess.

Time: 6:15am

Weight/length: 8 lbs 8 oz./ 21 inches long

Distract yourself from election coverage stress with some photos!

My cousin Nicki is a very talented amateur photographer who very sweetly offered to drive up and do some maternity photographs now while I am in “full bloom” but not (overly) huge just yet. We did those last night because it was a beautiful Indian summer afternoon…and I think the pictures turned out awesome!

Sam!

pink and pregnant

Birkels!

Tim loves his baby boy…he’s so cute.

There’s the man responsible for that baby bump!

Waiting for January to arrive

Belly love

All we need is the kid.

On Saturday we went to Indy to get some stuff we still needed but didn’t get at my shower. My shower was beautiful, by the way. It was such a blessing to be around family and friends. Sam is so blessed to be born in such a great family. We’ve got issues, that’s for sure, but we really do care for each other. Anyway, in Indy we went to SuperTarget and Babies ‘R Us. We bought the travel system and a co-sleeper. I must be nesting or something because I really felt like “we need to get these things NOW.” I’ve still got 12 weeks to go until my due date. But I hate putting things off until the last minute.

Right after we got the travel system at Target my mother-in-law called. She said that she was at a baby consignment store in Wabash and they had a really nice travel system stroller and carseat. It was Evenflo, not Graco like the one I registered for, but it was $100 bucks cheaper. So I told her to get it. We got it yesterday in Wabash and it is in really good shape. And $100 bucks saved is $100 bucks earned, in my mind. So we will have to return the travel system to Target, but no big deal.

We set up the co-sleeper in our bedroom. I know it’s a little early, but I just want to be ready just in case Sam decides to come early. We’re basically ready now. His nursery is still a mess — it’s been primed and the crib still needs to be set up, but Tim is going to work on that this weekend. I am increasingly feeling impatient and ready for him to just be here. I think I am just growing waery of being pregnant. The other night I woke up and had to walk around for a bit because my legs and hips were hurting. I hopped online and read my January 2009 message board, which I have not checked in a while. I was surprised to find that some have already given birth to their January 09 babies. Such tiny little babies. Some alive in the NICU and some who had died. It put my hip and leg pain in perspective — it’s pretty annoying that no sleep position is comfortable anymore, but I can put up with it for the sake of my little boy. It could be a lot worse than being uncomfortable.

I am really tired though. I hit 28 weeks and started feeling as fatigued as I felt really early on in my pregnancy. My midwife says women in the third trimester don’t ever enter a restorative sleep portion of their sleep cycles, so it’s normal to be tired. And I am. I slept for 12 hours last night (or, at least I stayed in bed that long). But it is good practice. And I am blessed to not have to work right now, so I can take as many breaks and naps during the day as I need. Naps are my best friend.

Tim and I are increasingly excited about Sam’s arrival. My slight anxiety about childbirth and delivery has shifted now to life postpartum. I am more worried about my capabilities to be a mom than about my body’s ability to give birth. Still, I am so excited for him to be here. I just want to hold him and see his face and kiss his little hands and feet. I have been having more dreams about him at night when I do manage to sleep. I just love him so much…and I can hardly wait to meet him.

I have a prenatal appointment on Thursday and then I start going every 2 weeks. I feel in some ways like this pregnancy is flying by, and also like I have been pregnant forever. January seems both really close and really far away.

Our bean is….

a baby BOY!!!! I was way off (so SURE he was a girl) but he definitely has little boy parts. It was pretty much unmistakable. I was a little shocked at first, but we are both really happy.

Samuel Ezra Birkel is his name, and he is CUTE! Pictures to prove it!

top left: profile, mouth open, waving at the camera
top right: cute little feet
bottom left: leg, arm, torso
bottom right: Sam has my nose

top left: another profile shot
top right: proof that Sam is indeed a baby boy
bottom left: foot
bottom right: knee, arm, hand (and he is possibly sucking his thumb!)

Sam is right where he should be as far as growth and development goes. We are so thankful. I could have sat there and watched him all day long, even if the pressure on my bladder was a little uncomfortable after a while. And he is indeed a wiggly little boy. Our tech said that I would have to trade in my flip-flops for running shoes, because this kid was going to go from crawling to running. He really never stopped moving.

He was also in perfect head-down position. He can stay that way for another 20 weeks.

I love this little boy more than I could ever say. Thank You Jesus! Help Tim and I to raise Sam to love and serve You.

EDIT: Mmmkay, the pictures are supposed to be a quadrant, but for some reason only 2 at a time are showing up. If you click on the picture, it’ll take you to my photobucket site and you can see them there. I am going to have my techie husband fix it when he gets home tonight, because I don’t know how.

1st appointment at Expectations…

This morning we had our first appointment at Expectations, and it was wonderful. I just really like it there. And the midwife Barb is awesome. She made me feel comfortable right away — which is hard if you’re a doctor and I am sitting in an exam room. She was very thorough, and I really feel well taken care of with her. I am so excited!!

They are going to call tomorrow to set up an appointment at a lab in Fishers for our big ultrasound. Pretty soon we should find out what Bean is!

Today when Barb listened to Bean’s heartbeat with the doppler, Bean kept kicking and kicking — it sounded like scratches on the doppler. Barb said that our baby was a wiggly one, which made me so unbelievably happy. She said we’re in for a treat at our big ultrasound! I’m glad that our baby is alive and well and kick-kick-kicking. It’ll be cool when I can feel the kicking more consistently.

I cannot wait to meet this wiggly little Bean face-to-face come January! We love you, little one.

Bradley Method and whatnot…

During my walk this morning I was praying about what to do with Expectations. Ultimately, what I want is what is best for both my baby and for me, and if that was in a hospital with a hospital birth, I’d do it. And if it was in a birthing center with a midwife, then I’d do that. So I prayed, and while I was praying, I felt like I should at least give Expectations a call and see if I could tour the facilities with Tim, and go from there.

I called, and the woman I talked to was very nice and very welcoming. I hate calling doctor’s offices and getting a little attitude from the receptionist. But this woman was very kind. She said that we’d be more than welcome to have a tour of place and that she’d be more than willing to answer any questions we have, even though she wasn’t the midwife. We’re scheduled for 10am on Thursday.

I do have questions. My biggest concerns are: what if I go into labor early? My mom had all her babies early, so I am a little bit terrified of that. Growing up it wasn’t a big deal to me that I was born 10 weeks early and weighed 2lbs 15 oz. That was just…the way things were. It never occurred to me that being born 10 weeks early is actually a BIG DEAL. That’s REALLY early. Praise God that I don’t have anything wrong with my lungs. But I digress. I am actually really worried about going into labor early. So I’d need to find out what would happen if I did, even though I pray every day that this baby would go to term.

The birthing center doesn’t do ultrasounds, but Tim and I want to find out the sex of our baby. Would they be willing to do an ultrasound if I requested one? Could they send me somewhere to have it done if they can’t?

Anyway, I am excited about it. I really hope that we can deliver there.

In related news, Tim and I have decided that we’re going to do the Bradley Method. It’s a 12 week class, and they go over everything from nutrition and exercises that help with labor to Tim’s role as coach. It’s actually called “husband-coached childbirth” because they operate under the philosophy that the pain is made worse when the mother is in an uncomfortable, new environment, without the people she cares about and who care about her. I think this is the biggest reason I don’t want to have a hospital birth: I hate hospitals. I associate them with sickness and with my mom being sick when I was little. They are sad, scary, weird-smelling places. And I don’t think I’d be able to relax or feel comfortable in one. The Bradley Method encourages being in a comfortable place. And I think Tim would be a kick-ass labor coach.

They encourage you to sign up for the classes early, as they limit the class sizes to 6 couples. And, because the class is 12 weeks long, they want you to start taking the classes in your 5th month. When I first read that, I thought oh well, we have some time. Then I realized, wait, I am in my 4th month now! I will be 5 months pregnant at Labor Day! Didn’t we just find out I was pregnant like, last week?? How am I seriously 15.5 weeks pregnant already?

Expectations

My mom has this friend who is a nurse practitioner who is into alternative medicine and homeopathic stuff. My mom was hanging out with her today and mentioned to her that I wanted a water birth, and my mom’s friend recommended a birthing center in Muncie called Expectations that does water births. I had looked into Expectations a little bit earlier on in my pregnancy, but didn’t really pursue it for some reason. My mom’s friend knows the certified nurse midwife who started the birthing center; they taught nursing together at Ball State.

I am going to call tomorrow and see if Tim and I can interview her and tour the birthing center. It’s like 2 minutes from Tim’s work and closer to Pendleton than 86th and Township Line is.

In general I think my current ob/gyn is a good doctor, but I do not feel that he would listen to me or my desires. He outright dismissed a water birth as being “faddish” and “did not see any medical benefit to either the mother or the baby” (lower risk of c-section? lower risk of an episiotomy? um, yes, I do believe those are both medical benefits!) and I have the feeling he would do the same with other things.

Another nice thing is that the birthing center is minutes from Ball Memorial Hospital so if there were complications they could transfer me easily and quickly. They also have family practic physicians on staff who would be available.

The birthing center would let my husband stay with me through the night, a luxury only guaranteed to those in hospitals who were fortunate enough to snag a private room. They would let me eat or drink something if I so desired (and I am slightly hypoglycemic, so I can’t really see not eating anything but ice chips for who knows how long in addition to running the marathon that is labor and delivery).

I need to pray about this more, definitely, and Tim does, too, but I am going to call and schedule a tour and interview and go from there. I want to do what is best for my baby and for me.

Jon and Kate Plus 8

Last night I started reading this book I checked out from the library about the baby’s first year.

I had to put it down because I started feeling overwhelmed.

I am extremely happy to be pregnant, and so excited to be a mom. But after reading about what will happen to my body immediately after birth and how hard the first months will be, I just felt overwhelmed. Being sleep deprived worries me. I am a person that needs sleep, and needs a lot of it. I read that book and had visions of crying from exhaustion and screaming at my husband and other things. Which may (probably) will happen.

I suppose this is a completely normal feeling, but I am starting to doubt my abilities to be a mom. However, I am confident that the Lord knows what He is doing, and will give me the strength and grace to be a mom. On the other hand, I also know that this is going to be tough. Really tough. And part of me wonders if I am up to the task.

But you know what helps me? Jon and Kate Plus 8. If you’re not familiar with the TLC show, it’s about a couple — Jon and Kate — who have a set of twin girls and also a set of sextuplets. That’s 8 kids. The twins are 7 now, and the sextuplets — three boys and three girls — are 3 1/2.

Every time I watch the show I am encouraged. I am inspired by Kate. She is so organized. I have a hard time keeping a small apartment with 2 adults and 2 cats clean, and to keep up on our laundry. And watching the little kids makes me really excited to have kids. And watching how Jon handles being a dad makes me excited to see how my husband will rise to the occasion.

I can’t help feeling like if they can do what they do, that somehow I can do this mom thing. After all, I am only having one at the moment.

I would love to meet Kate, and give her a hug, and tell her that she is my hero. She, and other moms everywhere. Moms might be the most under-appreciated people on the planet. I never realized how much moms DO until I got pregnant, and I think I will realize it on a whole new level once this little one is born. Our church has lots of moms (the majority of our church is young families), and I don’t know how they feel about this, but I watch them. I watch how they interact with their kids, how they teach their kids about the world. And I am always so impressed.

The house hunt, part 2

We looked at three houses tonight. One was GROSS — it was owned by people who obviously smoked — alot — and also had a giant dog that often peed inside the house. Yucky. The second and third houses, however, were both really cute. They were really cute — for completely different reasons. And they both had pros and cons that were completely different as well.

The first one: an older home in-town Pendleton. Super cute. It had been updated nicely, but still needed a few more updates. For example, it doesn’t have central air or a garage. But the yard and the house was so cute.

The second one: also very cute. Brick ranch with an AWESOME kitchen. Doesn’t need updates. Would have a higher resale value as is.

We are doing a second walk-thru of both on Sunday afternoon, and my mom and dad are coming with us. They are smarter at this kind of thing, and have a little more experience.

With either one I could see our baby playing in the yard or running around the house being chased by Daddy. Now to choose which one. Argh. I didn’t anticipate this problem — we’ve been finding so few houses that worked much less that we liked that I didn’t anticipate that we would find two houses we liked.

My belly is getting bigger! It’s pretty exciting. So far I really like being pregnant.

Oh, and this is unrelated: in our attempt to save money, I have started using a solution of one part water and one part vinegar (yes, vinegar) to clean. It’s sanitizes and it’s cheap. And the smell goes away once it dries. And, to be honest, I don’t mind the scent — it smells clean to me. I also found a recipe for making homemade eco-friendly laundry detergent. I haven’t made it yet, because I couldn’t find one ingredient — washing soda. Apparently Fishers housewives who shop at SuperTarget don’t make their own laundry detergent.

But once I make some I’ll let you know how it goes. I am quite pleased with how vinegar worked out. And did I mention that it doesn’t have harsh chemicals that could be bad for kids and pets?