Trust

So one of my recurring worries (aggravated by dumb people and their comments) is how big this kid is going to be. I mean, let’s be real here: I have gained a LOT of weight this pregnancy. And I am a little terrified that Sam is going to be HUGE! My belly is huge and I don’t know if he is huge but I can see like definite knees and feet when he wiggles around in there. It’s a little shocking. My belly is more square now than rounded, and the skin is shiny from being stretched so tight. At least the itching has gone away.

I keep reminding myself that God has created me exactly as I am to give birth to the baby that I have grown within me. I CAN do this. It just scares me that he’ll be so big! Barb said that they all feel big coming out, whether they are 6 lbs or 10 lbs. I suppose that is true — and I don’t really have any frame of reference so who knows!

I’m just really tired today. I got up to go pee last night and came back to bed and grunted and groaned and flopped and flailed into position and thought to myself, I cannot deal with this anymore. I can’t do this for even one more day. I need patience and strength right now. Pray for me if you would. I am due in 2 weeks, but it could be another 3 or 4 before he comes, in all reality. That thought makes me want to cry.

But: January 10th is still in my mind for some reason. It’s a full moon that night. We shall see.

My feet and ankles are ridiculously swollen and it kind of hurts. The skin feels so tight on my feet. I can’t wear any of my shoes anymore. I live in house slippers and flip flops. The flip flops are a little cold as it is definitely January in Indiana. But I don’t have much choice right now.

I am trying to be patient but it’s hard right now. I need to learn to let go of control. I can’t control the timing here, I won’t be able to control it in labor, and I won’t be able to control it when Sam is here, at least not for a while. I need to be flexible. I just keep praying for patience and also that labor would start as soon as Sam is done cooking.

Method to my madness.

Excuse me while I rant for a bit. It’s 4:07am and I can’t sleep, so…ranting ensues.

I am going to have to stop telling people that I am planning a natural birth. Why? Because I am tired of the responses. I am tired of being looked at like I am insane. Tired of comments like, “Um, no, you’re going to want the epidural.” Pardon me? Did I tell you how to deliver your own baby? Then why are you telling me what to do?

The question I dislike the most is But…why?? Like there could be no possible benefit to going with an unmedicated birth.

I have lots of reasons why. Allow me to explain.

1. I don’t like hospitals, or needles, or medical personnel, or IVs, or the way hospitals smell. This is a big one. Personally, the idea of having a needle poked in my spine or having a c-section freaks me out a whole lot more than giving birth without pain medication.

2. I am fairly wimpy, but I believe that the pain of childbirth is pain with a purpose. It’s not senseless pain. It’s pain that indicates progress toward something. Actually this perspective has helped me deal with all kinds of pain and discomfort. Right now my back is aching, but it’s okay because it’s from the relaxin, which is also opening up my pelvis. There’s a reason for my back hurting.

3. I believe that my body was created the way it is for a reason, and that God knew what He was doing when He designed labor. Doesn’t mean that God didn’t design it with pain. Just means there is pain involved.

The biggest reason?

4. I believe, after weighing all my options, that natural childbirth is actually the safest option for me and for my baby boy. I don’t want to subject him to ridiculously-strong chemically-enhanced contractions that may put him in distress. I don’t want him to be sleepy and doped up due to pain meds. I want him to be alert, and happy, and not stressed out when he makes his move from a completely dark, temperature-controlled, buoyant world with muffled noises to this world of bight lights and clear sounds and cold air and gravity. Those are big changes, and I want to make that transition as comfortable as possible for him. So, ultimately, whether or not I will want the epidural or not is not the issue. I am doing this for him, not me. At least mostly (see point 5).

5. This might sound weird, but there is some part of me that wants to do it just to say i did it. Like people who skydive or climb Mt. Everest. Now, if I didn’t also believe it was the safest thing for me and my kid, I wouldn’t do it for this reason, but because I do, I don’t think this is really all that bad of a reason. I mean, I am about to embark on this crazy adventure called motherhood. A daunting task to say the least. And I would like to begin that journey with a sense of empowerment. Dude, I birthed you, now I can take care of you. Know what I mean?

Those reasons pretty much sum up why I want to do this crazy thing. It’s fine if you disagree with me, or came to different conclusions. Every baby is different, and every mom is different, and every situation is different. And that’s totally cool. I am not anti-technology, or anti-medical intervention. I just don’t think it is necessary for me. I acknowledge that my ideal birth may not happen. Stuff happens, and in the end, my well-being and Sam’s well-being are the most important thing. So if medical intervention is necessary to ensure our well-being, then that’s fine. But I want it to be a just in case kind of thing, you know?

I just get tired of the crazy looks and the comments.

This is so cool.

Believe it or not, but this woman is 8cm dialated in active labor. She is singing through contractions.

I don’t have nearly as lovely a voice as she does (alas, I was gifted in other areas), but I will have to try singing during labor to help relax me. I sing in my car when I am stressed, so I think it would apply to labor. (And, everything will be hanging out for the world to view anyway, so why worry about how my voice sounds???)

And I sing to my baby in the shower as it is. Maybe he or she will recognize the songs I sing and it will calm both of us?

Expectations

My mom has this friend who is a nurse practitioner who is into alternative medicine and homeopathic stuff. My mom was hanging out with her today and mentioned to her that I wanted a water birth, and my mom’s friend recommended a birthing center in Muncie called Expectations that does water births. I had looked into Expectations a little bit earlier on in my pregnancy, but didn’t really pursue it for some reason. My mom’s friend knows the certified nurse midwife who started the birthing center; they taught nursing together at Ball State.

I am going to call tomorrow and see if Tim and I can interview her and tour the birthing center. It’s like 2 minutes from Tim’s work and closer to Pendleton than 86th and Township Line is.

In general I think my current ob/gyn is a good doctor, but I do not feel that he would listen to me or my desires. He outright dismissed a water birth as being “faddish” and “did not see any medical benefit to either the mother or the baby” (lower risk of c-section? lower risk of an episiotomy? um, yes, I do believe those are both medical benefits!) and I have the feeling he would do the same with other things.

Another nice thing is that the birthing center is minutes from Ball Memorial Hospital so if there were complications they could transfer me easily and quickly. They also have family practic physicians on staff who would be available.

The birthing center would let my husband stay with me through the night, a luxury only guaranteed to those in hospitals who were fortunate enough to snag a private room. They would let me eat or drink something if I so desired (and I am slightly hypoglycemic, so I can’t really see not eating anything but ice chips for who knows how long in addition to running the marathon that is labor and delivery).

I need to pray about this more, definitely, and Tim does, too, but I am going to call and schedule a tour and interview and go from there. I want to do what is best for my baby and for me.