I don’t even know what to call this post.

Last night I was having contractions. I forced Tim to watch Newsies with me and time them. They were pretty strong, started in my back, and about 6-7 minutes apart there for a while. I was getting so excited. Maybe this was labor! Maybe Sam would be born that very evening!

No. Like all of my contractions I have been having, they eventually spaced out to 10 minutes apart, then 15, then 20, then nothing.

False labor sucks. It’s really kind of discouraging!

I guess I can just hope that those contractions last night did something to my cervix, yes?

Even my emails mock me.

I get weekly emails that tell me how big Sam is in relation to produce and other such developmental milestones. They have always been fun and interesting to read and I loved knowing that he was the size of an avocado one week, and the size of a butternut squash later on.

Now, these emails mock me.

This kid is ready to go! All of his systems are up and running, and his brain is functioning better every day. Your fully developed baby is now biding his time, getting in some R&R during his final days in the womb.

Sam….you can come out now.

Trust

So one of my recurring worries (aggravated by dumb people and their comments) is how big this kid is going to be. I mean, let’s be real here: I have gained a LOT of weight this pregnancy. And I am a little terrified that Sam is going to be HUGE! My belly is huge and I don’t know if he is huge but I can see like definite knees and feet when he wiggles around in there. It’s a little shocking. My belly is more square now than rounded, and the skin is shiny from being stretched so tight. At least the itching has gone away.

I keep reminding myself that God has created me exactly as I am to give birth to the baby that I have grown within me. I CAN do this. It just scares me that he’ll be so big! Barb said that they all feel big coming out, whether they are 6 lbs or 10 lbs. I suppose that is true — and I don’t really have any frame of reference so who knows!

I’m just really tired today. I got up to go pee last night and came back to bed and grunted and groaned and flopped and flailed into position and thought to myself, I cannot deal with this anymore. I can’t do this for even one more day. I need patience and strength right now. Pray for me if you would. I am due in 2 weeks, but it could be another 3 or 4 before he comes, in all reality. That thought makes me want to cry.

But: January 10th is still in my mind for some reason. It’s a full moon that night. We shall see.

My feet and ankles are ridiculously swollen and it kind of hurts. The skin feels so tight on my feet. I can’t wear any of my shoes anymore. I live in house slippers and flip flops. The flip flops are a little cold as it is definitely January in Indiana. But I don’t have much choice right now.

I am trying to be patient but it’s hard right now. I need to learn to let go of control. I can’t control the timing here, I won’t be able to control it in labor, and I won’t be able to control it when Sam is here, at least not for a while. I need to be flexible. I just keep praying for patience and also that labor would start as soon as Sam is done cooking.